Moms and Dads: Think before you fight!

Two days before an incident was reported in Horana, Sri Lanka where a 14 year old girl made an attempt to commit suicide by drinking toilet cleaning liquid because she was finding it extremely difficult to bear up the fights between her parents. As luck would have it the life of the child was saved and she is in no danger, but the question lies where what provoked this girl to take such a drastic measure to end her life? Were the fights between her parents so fierce that she could not bear to witness them?

Parental fighting is a common scenario in many Sri Lankan families where often children are the victims of such tragic fates. Let us shed some light upon the matter to acknowledge parents about the harmful repercussions of their actions to avert future calamities.  

According to Dr. N. Kumaranayake, Psychiatrist at the Base Hospital of Kiribathgoda, no parents in their right mind would fight in front of children. The statement speaks for itself given that there is a severe impact of parental fighting.

It is important to look for reasons why parents throw tantrums whenever there are domestic problems. Situational stress resulting in emotional changes, Inability of controlling emotions and alcoholism are the main reasons why majority of adults in the modern world tend to solve disputes using violence says Dr. Kumaranayake.

He added that this sort of a situation is very common among the rural community of Sri Lanka which is about 80% of the total population while 33% of these families are victims of the issue of alcoholism.

Dr. Kumaranayake said that depression too plays a major role in ruining the family lives of people as people in the modern world lead busy and hectic lives in the race to earn more and more.

One such patient who had been brought to Dr. Kumaranayake is a father of two children who had been a workaholic. He had been spending less and less time with the family and due to work stress had developed conditions like depression, sleep deprivation, irritability and extreme anger which has ultimately led him to the engagement of frequent fights with his wife.

As a result of alcoholism, an addict can develop physiological conditions like delusional disorders such as extreme suspicion of one’s partner says Dr. Kumaranayake. In the introductory incident, the father is an alcoholist and is said to be often accusing his wife of having an illicit relationship while she is innocent of such an act. This too results in numerous family conflicts where the ultimate victims are children.

Concentrating on the impact of parental fighting on children, Dr. Kumaranayake said that there is a significant impact on the brain of a child and there are many ways in which children react to this kind of situations.

Often, children respond to parental conflict by ‘acting out’ which is a demonstration of increased anger and the inability to manage anger. These children may display behaviours such as violence, delinquency and gang involvement.

One such child brought to Dr. Kumaranayake was a boy of 14 years who showed poor academic performance, practised stealing from home and was also Marijuana addict. The reason behind his disturbing behaviour was again an alcoholic father creating parental conflicts.

‘Turning inward’ is another way of responding to parental conflicts. They often isolate themselves from their friends, social activities and demonstrate conditions like depression, headaches, stomach aches, ulcers etc. and substance abuse.

A research conducted by Martin Teicher, a renowned psychiatrist, has showed that children who are exposed to parental conflict do not interact well with others. These kids often have very poor social skills, low self esteem and poor relationships when they become adults. Some children may also demonstrate conditions like troubles in thinking. The effects of being exposed to conflict show up as problems in school, truancy, impaired thinking (things like problem-solving, abstract reasoning, memory are affected) and symptoms that mimic Attention Deficit Disorder.

“Children exposed to high conflict may even become anti social personalities such as criminals but what is even worse is that the future family lives of these children may also be affected. It is like a circle, when they grow up and become parents, they will display the same kind of behaviour as their parents” Dr. Kumaranayake said.

I had the opportunity of talking to some of the children who were often exposed to conflicts. They had varied comments on how they feel when their parents fight in front of them.

“My parents fight almost everyday. Every time they fight I just lock myself inside my room and cry. To see your parents fight in front of you just so depressing” Chathurika, a teenager said.

Ashani, a 12 year old said that she hates it when her parents fight. She said that she is finding it hard to concentrate on her studies and homework and she often gets scolded by teachers for not doing homework.

“I am ashamed to say that I have come to hate my father due to his extreme alcoholism. I know it is bad but I don’t respect him anymore because he makes our lives miserable. Whenever my father and mother fight, I shout back at them and I get angry” Randika, a teenager who is exposed to parental fights said. 
        

As measures to avoid these tragedies, parents should practice proper control of emotions and problems should be dealt with much civilized and proper method than fighting. Getting the help of a professional counselor and couples’ therapy which is a practical method to deal with conflicts can be practiced.

It is important to reserve a special ‘emotional ventilation time’ where family members including children can talk about the problems and issues in their lives in order to facilitate the building of a good and a trust worthy relationship between family members.

On school level, awareness programs should be carried out for children and teachers to acknowledge them of the effects of parental conflicts and teachers should be trained on dealing with children who are exposed to conflicts and to identify students with emotional disorders.

Alcoholism should be dealt with and fathers should understand that what is more important is being a good father to his children, not being the alcoholic who makes their lives miserable everyday. Media has to play a major role in this regard by not promoting the ‘sham’ happiness of alcohol and the education of morals and virtues among children should be enhanced.

So parents, the next time you fight, please bare in mind that the ultimate victims of your conflicts will be your children. It is prudent to find much civilized and practical methods to solve conflicts other than fighting. The world will be a much better place if there is peace and happiness. 

:)