13.07.2014
Random question, Have you ever been so close to anyone that the emotional intimacy actually scares you? it is strange by every definition. But lately I have been feeling that. I have always been a person who greatly appreciated solitude and my space. But this sometimes feels like a subtle yet sweet invasion of my space. Strong enough to startle me and make yearn for it at the same time.
Confused,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
28.04.2014
A relatively free day at work. As usual I am seated at the computer listening to yet another awesome playlist on 8 tracks.
So, Yanni was in Sri Lanka. Yes, it was THE YANNI, the most awesome composer of all-time and my inspiration. The best part is, my life-long dream of watching a live concert of his finally came true!—all thanks to Aunty Cactus (much love :D). And yes, it was out-of-the-world amazing! For that one and a half hour, I was at peace and it was everything that was right with the world. Before my eyes, unravelled a musical extravaganza featuring melodies of paradise. Yanni Live In Sri Lanka was simply awesome!
And on a different note, I would like to give out a message to all those morons out there who still think that smoking is cool. If you wanna make a fool of yourself and go through a painful death, please do that after making sure that you are completely alone in this world, that there is no one to watch you go through that pain. Seriously, it would not only kill you, but it would also kill whoever who is taking care of you.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
25.02.2014
Just when you think you are making some progress in what you do, there is always a disaster that follows and ruins that tiny bit of confidence you gained. I hate it when that happens and the worst of all is that it is all my fault. HAD I been more careful....Then you are back to square one, where you think you have no idea what you should be doing and you don't have the damn courage to make any decisions.
Everything is a part of the vicious cycle of life. And yesterday was the worst. One out of my four best friends had us thinking that she was going to commit suicide. She sent the same text message—Budusarani to all four of us and then switched off her phone. We tried to contact her for hours, in all possible ways but ended without luck. We were scared to death because we knew that she had been in major depression lately and we have been doing everything we could to help her out. I even sent messages and called her family to which her brother finally replied today morning. It was such a horrifying experience. The thought that her committing suicide was a possibility almost killed me. Now I know how it feels, when you think you have lost someone close to your heart.
SERIOUSLY, if you ever feel suicidal, just sit down, take a deep breath and think of all the people who love you. Because one suicide kills many—it may kill one physically but it kills many around that person emotionally.
Fate!
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
16.02.2014
Human relations; be it friendships, love affairs, relations with the family, how can one manage all of these in a way that keeps everyone around him happy and satisfied? Would be a very difficult task for sure. Then there are some relationships that can't be defined. For me, managing relationships (and I mean any kind of relationship) have always been chaotic. I just don't get some relationships in my life. May be it is because I don't express myself that well. I never tell people what I really feel about them, be it love, caring or even hatred. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing but that is just the way I am. And I am just rambling about my feelings like a mad man.
On a different note, one thing you are gonna have to learn as you grow up is to work under pressure. So far, I haven't been able to handle it all that well but, I am learning. But the hardest thing is to get pass your mistakes. Once you make a grave mistake, you will always have that fear inside of you, the fear of repeating your mistakes. This makes it harder to take decisions. That is where I am at now. Yes I made a mistake and I know that I should move pass that if I want to improve and grow, but it is not that easy. Every time I have to take a decision, all those awful memories start haunting me, reminding me what it as like to be humiliated because I was stupid.
Enough whining because there are things to be happy about. So I started CIM and it has been quite interesting so far. It is good to be sitting in a class learning something. I have been missing it for the past few months since IR concluded. I am already inspired by how passionate my lecturers are. They are encouraging students to be achievers. 'Business Athleticism', something that Strategy (Where I go to campus) believes in. I think it is a great concept. It is where you wake the athlete in you and strive to achieve. You are not a businessman, but you are an athlete who is driven with all his might towards victory. I look forward to be inspired.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
10.01.2014
Once you do something that make someone lose their faith and confidence in you, it is really hard to instill it again. You might make a stupid blunder out of ignorance, but if it means that you let down a person who trusted you, then needless to say that that person will never be able to trust you again.
I am painfully aware that I am not good at handling high pressure situations and that I have to work a lot towards moving pass my cowardice and fearlessly facing challenges that confront me. Yes, I committed a blunder! And that has resulted in people losing their confidence in me.
Also, I think may be I should have taken a different approach to building my social image. The one I have created for myself, which makes people perceive me as a into-fun-and-never-serious kind of character also has had an impact in most of them believing that they can treat me in whichever the way they please and I wouldn't mind. I always get the feeling that people are just using me. And I have been forced to wear a fake smile, make small talk and let them believe that I am as happy as I can be.
Trying to forgive and forget,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
01.01.2014
New year!!!! yet somehow, it still feels like 2013. So, following are what I hope to accomplish this year,
Resolutions for 2014-
Donate Blood
This has always been one of those things that I really wanna do and I being freaking underweight (Because you need to exceed 50 kg to be fit to donate blood and I am stuck at 43, damn it!!!) have never been able to do it. But I can hopefully change that this year....
(which brings me to number two in the list)
Gain Weight-
Well, I am just going to eat like a pig and let my body do the rest (Haha!).
Get my Driving License-
Hopefully getting my driving license will make me a wee bit more independent, so I am gonna work towards that this year.
(last but not the least)
Learn to play the Violin-
I luuurrvee the sound of the violin, just love it! It is something that mesmerizes me and brings me peace. I can spend hours and hours listening to Beethoven's symphonies, The Piano Guys, Two Cellos and the list goes on and on.
Hope I'll have a score of four out of four at the end of 2014.
:)
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
30.12.2013
Here we go, year in review! There is only one day for 2013 to end! before I started writing this post I went through the old posts I have written in 'Life as I know it' and I gotta say there has been an exact 50/50 of good and bad in my life this year.
2013 started out all good (with the bonfire we organized to bid farewell to 2012 while welcoming 2013).
One of my life-long dreams came true this year and that happened just as I turned 21! (legal and about 80 percent independent, haha) Seeing what I have accomplished was the best 21st birthday gift I could have ever gotten. That feeling was just amazing (still looking for a properly worded expression to describe it precisely). And I fell in love but got my heart broken leaving a permanent scar of a failed first love (I know, I know, such drama :P). Met awesome people, made new friends and didn't get into any fights but there was a series of traumatic incidents that almost made me want to quit everything. So, 2013 was both amazing and horrifying.
I guess it is all about looking back and having no regrets. I am happy about where I am at right now, as a person. Yes, there were quite a few glitches but those have made me learn. And I am told that "It is all part of a learning process". Here I am, learning and trying to improve. At the end of the year, I feel nothing different. I guess I feel a little grown up (now that I am 21 and all :P).
Wonder what is in store for me in 2014,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
26.12.2013
It is still too early for my 'year in review' post. So obviously, this is not it. I won't blabber on how this year has been good or bad for me (in this post, haha). I just want to have a judgement on how self-confident I am. Recently, I was confronted with not one, but several instances where I questioned whether or not I knew where I was headed. Despite the effort I put, everything I did turned out to be wrong. Very traumatic period indeed. If there is one thing I learned from that whole disastrous incident, it is to never trust what people say, it is to always trust what is written rather than the spoken words, because people always lie and they take back what they said.
I was told, "Trust me, I won't take my word back. Don't always go by the book" by this particular person (Yes, I am avoiding names and even genders, this person henceforth in this post shall be know as X) on getting approval for a particular work assignment that I was assigned to. I was naive to trust X even though I requested written approval. I guess X didn't have the tiniest indication of a guilty conscience when X so conveniently took back what was told, leading me into an utter disastrous situation. The stress for me was just too much to handle. I have recovered to some extent but still hurts me to think about what I went through (You might say, "It is not the end of the world, forget and move on!"), I wish if it was that simple. If I could just forget and move on.
It got me thinking, the society has gone through such a drastic moral degradation that lying has become a norm (I am not saying I have never lied, I mean, I am not a saint, but at least I'll have a guilty conscience). Sadly, we have come to a point where, lying has become an essentiality to get through our day today lives. And this is the so called "Gautama Budhha Rajyaya" (the country where the supreme Buddhist philosophy prevails). What have we become or rather what have we achieved? Aren't we still at where we began?
Disappointed and disgusted,
Adios,
Until Fate Strikes again.....
02.12.2013
Life is nothing but bouquets and brickbats—at least that's what my life is and has always been. If one thing goes write, then several other things that turn to utter chaos follows it. It has always been this way for me.
So, while today is day of celebration to me, it is also a day of disaster. I am happy—extremely happy—because my life long dream of becoming a writer for Explore Sri Lanka came true as my first article for it was published. I felt like I was on top of the world as I stared at it over and over again, like a blind child who suddenly got the gift of sight. (Note to self- Remember that feeling as long as you are alive).
Oh well, bliss follows disaster, that has been the cue of my life all these year, what makes today an exception? Disaster one was forgetting a business card of a client at home and my friend who was disappointed gave me a lecture on how I should be more responsible in terms of 'EMPHASIS work'.
Disaster two—One of the press releases I wrote had to be corrected again followed by advices that I should always give it to someone else to read before I sent it (reminded me of what a horrible writer I am).
Last but not the least, disaster 3—The company and personal profiles I wrote for a client had also been returned. The write-up being not punchy and vibrant enough being the reason for that. Again I got the same set of advices that I received in the press release scenario (again, I am a horrible writer).
The issue with me is that, I am not good at handling pressure situations and when it comes to Emphasis work, it is always high pressure. No matter how hard I try to do a good job, something always goes wrong (Err...just my luck!). Everyone keeps telling me that, I need to take things easy and calm down. And that when I make a mistake, I shouldn't worry about it but try to make it an opportunity to learn. Believe me I am trying, how can I hang on to faith when there is a average ratio of 3:1 bad and good in my life?
Hanging by the thread of faith,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
07.11.2013
Man! getting over a heartbreak sure is damn hard! So over the past few weeks I have been trying to drown myself in work and be distracted since I want to move on. Life means up and downs and bouquets and brickbats. The best thing is to just get back up and journey on. That is what I have been trying to do ever since that crashing moment.
I was doing well and I even started talking to him again because we both agreed that our friendship should remain the same no matter what happens.
(Ok, this post will feature my drama queen mode from this point onwards)
He texted me saying that he wanted to talk to me regarding a Rotaract project.
Aaaand then rang the phone,
I just couldn't pick it up and answer it because I realized I had no strength to do that. I have never been like this. I was fine when I didn't believe in love and relationships. Now it is clear that none of this is happiness.
Trying to be strong,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
30.10.2013
Ah...a happy day! Having been just after a journey where I explored the beautiful hill country, I think I am still lost among those blissful moments where I embraced the endearing scenic beauty. That being said, this is kind of a mental note to me to remember important things when you are to take a long distance trip.
My mother usually is a person who prepares herself and her things way in advance when we go on trips or anywhere for that matter (Aaand I am the exact opposite of that :P). So we set off our journey to Nuwara Eliya early Saturday morning and all of a sudden when we had traveled for about 90 kilometers, my mother arrives at the bitter realization that she had left her purse at home! (HOLY CRAP!). Yes she did forget it, and we realized it thanks to a policeman who stopped us on the way to check the revenue license of the car (Since people are supposed to paste a copy of it on the top left corner of the windscreen and we obviously haven't done it :P). I was cursing him for stopping us but later I realized that if it had not been for him, we would have gone all the way up to Nuwara Eliya and realized it. The confirmation receipt of the hotel reservation, mom's ID, credit cards were all in her purse, so we had to go back home and get it (And yes it was BLOODY hectic!). We had to travel an additional 180 kilometers because of it.
Take it from this, please double check everything before you set off to go anywhere! it will surely save you a hell of a lot of trouble and even if you or someone you are with faces, such a situation try to be calm and act patiently. When it happened to my mom, my dad acted did scold her bit, but he was calm and he agreed to drive home and come back because he knew how my mom was looking forward to this trip. I learned a lesson for life. I will never ever forget to take anything hereafter when I go on trips.
Lesson learned! :)
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
21.10.2013
OK, really sorry to start the day mourning like this but I would say this is rather a good mourning than a good morning. For the first time in my life I am lovelorn (and I hate this crap!). Being in love is a wonderful feeling, but it gets so much worse when the person you love does not return the love (This is as cheesy as it gets and again I am sorry, arrghhh!).
So I have had feelings for this guy for some time now and being the lame ass coward I am, I haven't been able to tell him anything about it. We were chatting over this long weekend and somehow this came up because of a chain message he sent me (LAME! I know, stupid chain messages :/). So I finally conveyed him the fact that I had feelings for him. Aaaaand then it all came crashing down when he said that he too wanted to be with me but didn't wanna commit to anything serious or didn't wanna commit emotionally because he is a emotional screw-up (Bleh..!). I took it pretty well.....at first, but then I realized that I couldn't do it. I couldn't be friends with him while I still had feelings for him. So I told him I needed some space to think it through.
I know it is not his fault, I mean if anything, he has been nothing but honest with me in saying that he didn't wanna commit to anything serious. He could have just gone out with me and just dumped me like a soulless monster. My mind tells me to be logical and talk to him, but how can I do that? For the first time in my life, I am crying over something so stupid as this. I hate who I have become. Have I come to the bitter realization that may be this is what it feels like when you get your heart broken (Drama Queen Mode Activated, Bleh!)
Conclusion: am I gonna avoid him for the rest of my life? hmm may be. Has this effectively ruined our friendship? I dunno, I think so. More importantly, am I going to mourn over him for the rest of my life? HELL NO! yes, it is agreeable that it is hard to get over the first love. I mean, that tingling feeling you get which is like butterflies-in-your-stomach, when you are in love. It is hard to get over. Yet, I know I am better than this. I am gonna get back up again. Ok ok, I need like a little time to mourn over my lost love (I am only human dammit!). Rest assured, I'll be fine.
:)
Dipped in a whirlpool of emotions,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
13.10.2013
Ah...after a long pause. It is nice to be blogging again, although I should start writing poems again. I think I haven't written a single poem in like two or three months. My life continuously is confronted with ups and downs, bouquets and brickbats and I think I might be in love.
If love is what makes you think of someone every time you hear a happy song, every time you hear someone smile, if it is the constant thought of someone that haunts your heart making it a bittersweet pain--if it is--then may be I am in love. I am usually not this cheesy, in fact I am the opposite of cheesy, but now I can't help it, it is just so crazy and so not me!
I am getting used to the new office, well by the looks of it, it seems ok and people are not bad too. All of them are crazy in their own ways. But more on that later....
That being said, I took a walk down the memory lane again (more like forced to take a walk, because my room had arrived at that point where it couldn't be messed further, So I had to clean it up! :P). I was going through all my old stuff and I found some of my old diary notes. Believe me, I couldn't stop laughing when I was reading them. Yet, one thing I realized was, how much I have grown up. In the end these are the memories that define you and make you the person you are today. That is why history is important and that is why I didn't have the heart to just throw them away. So I am preserving them for life.
So....here goes nothing....
Yes, in another 10 years time I might look at this blog and laugh again at my naivety at the age of 20, but it is ok, because I will learn to grow only if I make mistakes. Never hate or resent your past irrespective of whether or not it is good or bad, for that is what made you who you are today.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
06.09.2013
They shouldn't have called it the Good Market because that name is so under-rated. It should have been called the 'Best Market. That being said, this post is not about all those exciting deals you get at the Good Market, this is about being spontaneous and expressing yourself.
I met this fortune teller yesterday who told me that my life will have a total transformation beginning from last night. I was asked to pick 2 cards out of the lot and when I flipped them over the first question he asked me was if I was in a relationship or if there was anyone I liked.The gist of the whole future predicting session was that I should be spontaneous, I should not be afraid to express who I am or what I feel even though I don't have the tiniest bit of strength to tell people what I really feel or think about them. I have never been good at that. I can love someone wholeheartedly and never tell anything about it.
I am just not the kind who can just say what I feel. Honestly I've got no balls for that. I have never told my friends how much I love them but I guess somehow they know that I do because those four idiots (irrespective of how crazy they might be) just get me. I have only met few people like that, people with whom I can talk just about anything.
This is why my sister and I are totally opposite of each other, I so admire my sister's guts and fearlessness in expressing herself. She is shockingly brave when it comes things like that and so is my Mom. Guess I am the runt of the family.
Oh well, that's just me being me
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
23.08.2013
"In life you have to make decisions, after all its your life. You will make 100 decisions and 2 of them might be bad decisions, but don't let it be otherwise. Never regret a decision you made".
Those were Eng. D. D. Wijemanne's words as I handed over the letter to him. Repeatedly, I was asked to re-consider my decision, which for me is impossible now. Aaaand thus it was official, finally was able to get over with all documentation. Two letters, each marking significant points in my career.
They say I look happier than usual, I don't know, may be because I feel good. Not to leave a place but to have a fresh start.
I gotta get used to feature writing. One thing I am glad about is the fact that it makes my mom happy, even proud. I just wanna live the imaginations I paint in my mind every time I watch Discovery Channel (Ehem, nerd alert :P), read Explore Sri Lanka or Serendib.
Hoping for the best,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
17.08.2013
Still trying to figure out if it was my luck or my talent. May be it was luck, or may be it was both. I just know that I am gonna live my dream (fingers crossed!). Traveling, exploring, writing, enjoying peaceful moments- hopefully everything will workout just the way I want them to. One e mail and the difference it made....
The hardest part would be bidding farewell to the people I care about, they say you don't have real friends in the corporate world, nor real enemies. Yet sometimes, you meet these people who at first might be total strangers with different interests, and yet somehow they become your friends.
Everything comes with a price, Living one of your dreams might consequently lead you to give up another dream. How can I blatantly say good bye to that place I so care about and my mentor, without whom I would have never gotten into Journalism in the first place.
I know that my decision has had a harsh impact on the three people in my office I care about the most. But would I be doing justice to myself if I just gave up on my dream even when I can see that it is about to come true, right at this moment!
I've made my decision and I am gonna do what I dreamed of doing ever since I was a little girl!
Trying to live while I am alive,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
04.08.2013
Day by day I find myself yearning for an escape. A getaway from all the hassle. I have come to the bitter realization that I might be trapped in a labyrinth, miserable and lost.
Apart from all this there are those little things that give me immense happiness. They give me hope and strength to hold on. So we had to make this presentation for our IR class and might I say we (me and my two friends) totally nailed it :) and our extremely strict soft power lecturer was really impressed with it. What struck me was what he said after the presentation. He complemented what we did and said that kids of our potential could do a lot more than we think. I know this sounds like some cheesy post about a teacher's compliment which makes me sound like an absolute nerd. But the point is I felt really proud of myself for the first time in a long time. It made me realize that I shouldn't be scared to follow my dreams. Even if I take a wrong turn, the whole point is not to look back after years and have regrets.
I don't know. If I can't be happy with what I do, then I might just quit and start what I have always wanted to do. One of these days I might just quit.
Feeling brave,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
22.07.2013
Why does pursuit of happiness always have to be a challenge? For once why can't it be simple, like walking on meadow or just sitting under a tree, smelling the refreshing fragrance of wet grass swaying to the slight breeze. Why does happiness have to be temporary?
Lately I've been feeling like I am on a run without a clue on where I"ll end up and now I am restless. I don't know if I am lost or if I am just trying to take an alternative route. I have everything I need, yet I am not happy because I feel like there is something missing. They say you have to live your life to the fullest, all I do is go to work, come home, go for classes and go to work again. Life is stagnated and it is like all my dreams are gradually drifting away and forcing me to accept the truth that may be this is as far as I go.
On a different note, sometimes people don't realize how hard their words could pierce through someone's heart. I am not a saint. I have said pretty hurtful things to people but just didn't realize the gravity of it until it happened to me. It is so hurtful that I can't stop thinking about it.
May be this how I get to suffer the repercussions of lying to my parents. And I am writing this part of the post solely because I need redemption. Yes, I lied and went bowling with my colleagues. I shouldn't have done that but I did it anyway because my mom would have never allowed me to hang out in the evening with three guys who for the record are totally good people. It was harmless fun and I sometimes don't get why they have to make a big fuss about everything.
Well this is the only place where I can whine about stuff without being a pain to anyone. So I am just gonna let all my misery out. I crave for a change.
Confused, again!
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
01.07.2013
Every part of it seemed like a just a casual hangout with a friend until he held my hand while we were watching the movie. From that point onward he started acting like we were a couple (of course he didn't try to rape me or anything, haha) He wanted to hold my hand which I thought was totally weird so I protested.
Seriously, why do guys have to be so weird! you don't say anything directly but you make all these typical boyfriend gestures which just makes it simply awkward. This guy is a good friend of mine and we have been planning to meet up since like forever, either something comes up at work or family commitments which always made us postpone whatever we planned. Somehow we decided last week that we'll go see this movie (World War Z: totally awesome movie by the way, Brat Pitt just takes your breadth away :P).
So yeah there I was, totally freaked out by all the zombie scenes since it was all 3D and all of a sudden he holds my hand and inside my head I am like "What in the-f*&%ing hell is he doing? It isn't like this is a date or something" and I take my hand back, then he takes it again, it was bloody weird.
We wanted to grab something to eat after the movie and he took me to this place, nice and quiet, I really like d the place except.......he F%^$ing starts acting all cheesy and boyfriend-like again! I mean what is the deal?! He tried to kiss me at one point! I was annoyed big time! For starters I never thought of him that way and we both knew that this wasn't a date! So why the fucking hell does he have to be all weird???!
Now I'll have to avoid him regardless of the fact that he was such a good friend of mine. To all guys- if you like a girl just freaking say it! without being crazy! We won't murder you if you say it, we'll just say yes or no depending on weather we like you or not.
Ah yet again the story of my life, guys I like doesn't aren't event aware of the simple fact of my existence whereas guys I don't like are very much aware of it and I always get stuck in the middle of stupid almost-relationship-like soaps!
Annoyed to the extent where I fail to describe my annoyance,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
29. 05. 2013
Well to start off things, I got on to the wrong bus. All I had to do was get into a nice 177 when my dad dropped me off at the Kotte Junction, But nooooo, me being freaking short sighted got on to a 171 (aaand this happened while I was wearing my specs :P) and went all the way to Pettah, just to get another 138 bus to come to my office.
I realized that I had got into the wrong bus as it took the road towards Borella at the Ayuruveda Hospital Junction but I did not make an attempt to get down (a saner person would have got off at the next halt, but what do you know, I am anything but sane :P). I decided to go all the way to Pettah (Just to get to know the roads. hehe). Yeah, naive and stupid it may sound, but I think it was actually a good experience.
That is how I want my life to be. I wanna be able to just wander away and explore, I don't wanna know what happens next.
On a completely different note, Damn it! Racism is everywhere! I really can't figure out what people actually gain from such a stupid idea. Ok, may be humans naturally have the urge to be superior to one another but man! discrimination of a whole group of individuals or a another community, that is just plain crazy! While I was in the bus, this Sinhalese beggar lady got in carrying a child and most of the people were generous enough to give her something and a while later, when the bus was passing Maradana, a Muslim beggar lady got in and handed out a note which said she was a mother of two, was mute and that she needed help to support her kids. Now I gave what I could to both of the begging ladies because I pitied them (feeling like a saint :P haha), but majority in the bus (being Sinhalese, Catholic etc etc) did not give any money to the Muslim lady. Now some people might argue that the lady with the kid would be more appealing than the lady with the note, but after all, aren't we all humans? would it hurt to give 10 bucks to a needy person?
The other day, I was out with friends and one of my best friends thought it wasn't a good idea to go to Dinemore just because we would be paying them a lot of money because there were eight people in the group. She didn't like the idea because Dinemore is owned by a Muslim. I didn't wanna argue with her on that, I think as her best friend, it is my duty to tell her that it is wrong.
I mean what is the point of all this? So you boycott Halal products or Muslims may refrain from buying stuff from shops owned by Sinhalese, what exactly do you get out of that? Is it going to make you happy? or is it gonna get you a pay raise? No! you are just left with hatred and misery. At least in peace there is happiness. We might ignore these little things but these are the incidents that ultimately lead to ethnic conflicts!
Totally convinced that I am crazy :P and I am totally AGAINST racism,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
25. 05. 2013
Whoa! it's been a while, finally, I am relaxed enough to come to my favorite place on cyberspace. Let's just say, for the past three weeks I got to know the real meaning of 'being busy'. Piles and piles of work, rushing to meet short deadlines, but all in all I am happy that our efforts in organizing the exhibition weren't in vain, since the execution was a huge success. I am gradually adjusting myself to the new work environment and everything seems to be going well.
But lately I have been getting this feeling that I keep drifting away from my dream. I made it clear to myself that my ultimate goal would be to excel in journalism which consoles my heart and soul, I took the new job so that I could stabilize myself and be independent. But I feel like I am drifting away from journalism. So I made a resolution to write whenever I get time. They say "No pain, No gain" and you have to sacrifice things to gain things. It is a pity you can't plan your life to be the way you want it to be. I really miss being the carefree journalist.
What would a person feel if he/ she knew that a another girl/ boy was unconditionally in love with hm/her? The question itself is crazy. I got to know that this person is in love with me but that person did not admit it to me, and now I don't know what to do. Why does this happen to me when I try my best to stay out of these things? Am I weird for not believing in love or relationships?
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
29. 04. 2013
Right now, I am seated in front of the computer at my new desk in my new office. Crazy enough, everything got finalized today and I guess the director got a good first impression about me. He said I had "the right attitudes", whatever that means. I am both elated and agonized, this means I won't be seeing much of my old office even though I'll continue to work for them on a freelance basis, like I used to do. I still haven't figured out how I am going to tell this to my boss who is the best and the most chilled out news editor ever.
My new boss is a friend of mine and is a person who is completely focused in what he is doing while thriving for perfection. It is not a bad place to work and I am the youngest in the office. I can definitely say one thing though, I'll never find a bunch of awesome colleagues anywhere else other than at my old office. I'll miss them, the group of crazy and talented individuals with different interests (basically all of them are very creative people and working with them was an absolute bliss) but I guess that is what life is. You have to bid your farewells, then new people come to your life.
As challenging as my new job may be, I hope for the best.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
24. 04. 2013
I took the job! and I am to start from next Monday itself. It is still like a dream to me, there is a part of me that keeps telling me that all this is probably just an illusion. Now I have to figure out how to have 'the talk' with my current boss who is like the best boss in the world. I wonder what he'll say... and then to my super awesome colleagues whom I'll miss like hell.
I don't intend to leave my current job and since I am a freelance writer, I don't have to be at work everyday. Taking the new job means that I'll be spending a lot less time at my old office- where I will be paying impromptu visits depending on my free time.
I guess I'll have to accept what Lord Tennyson said, "Old order changeth, yielding place to new"
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
23. 04. 2013
Aaaand I was just offered a job, as Secretary to the General Manager of the Chamber of Construction Industry (CCI) Sri Lanka. For all I know, it sounds cool and if I am to take it, it means I'll have to bid farewell to my current job (duh!). I know lately I have been whining about how I have to work like a cow and not get paid accordingly, which is why I started the whole job hunting process again. This is totally unexpected and impromptu. Out of the blue, I get a call from my friend who works there to tell me about this offer. I am to go and meet him today. He didn't even know I was applying for other jobs! The pay is definitely more than what I get at my current job and I can probably continue writing even if I took the job at CCI since I am a freelancer. Yet there is something which makes me hesitant to leave this place.
Anyways I am gonna go and meet my friend and see what all the offer is all about. I wanna earn more but I just can't bear the thought of leaving. May be I won't get it. Why the hell am I worried this much? There is no harm in meeting him. Let's see how this works out now.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
18. 04. 2013
Why does money has to get in the way of everything? Seriously, if you think about it, everything comes down to money in the end. May be in another five years when I read this post again, I will laugh at my naivety or may be I would have done exactly what I am about to write and would be proud of myself. I'll leave that for future me to decide but the present me has to decide whether or not moving out is a good option. It sounds alarmingly crazy, I mean living all by myself (provided I have the financial capacity to do so). May be this is my misery voicing itself given that I had quite a huge fight with my mother this morning (It went up to the point where she threatened that she will not give me food and I too did not give in, to defend my pride I left home with out having breakfast or getting my lunch). I know it sounds crazy and stupid when I write it now, but it was pretty intense.
Coming back to moving out, following the fight, I started giving serious thought to it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how hard it would be to live all by myself, and yet surprisingly I was not driven away from wanting to execute the idea. Firstly, I would have to gain sufficient capital which means I'll have to get another job- I am already on it since I have been looking for a job since the past two months but still has had no luck, I'll keep trying. Despite numerous hardships that may come in my way if I were to live alone, I don't wanna back off. My heart keeps telling me to work towards it. Either I am really stupid or really strong, I don't care.
I am tired of being picked on by everyone and I am tired of being dependent. Independence is what seek for now and I will get it. Plus I don't think my mother is ever gonna let me get pass the whole A/L disaster since she said herself she wouldn't stop talking about it even if I became the queen of the country (what are the odds of that happening, so I am literally screwed!). This morning I was thinking of giving A/Ls another shot too, but I really need to talk to someone about it. It is sad that I can't think of anyone to discuss this with, my best friends are dealing with their own problems and I can't disturb them right now (they'll kill me if they knew I thought this way). I don't really know what to do. May be I'll figure something out.
On the verge of going crazy,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
10. 04. 2013
Ok! I have reached a point where I have had enough with Ms. Bosses-a-lot! She just drives me freaking crazy! I used to love coming to work before she was here and now coming to work everyday is like a curse. Why why did they have to make her my boss! why me?! this is so stupid, I am becoming one of those stupid drama queens. What the heck did I do? I am done with all the interviews and it is just a matter of typing the article now, I get to chill out because I am done with most of what I am supposed to do but she keeps making all these sarcastic remarks! I am so angry right now, I could just kill someone (ok, may be not kill but slap).
So dad arrived yesterday and he is pretty strict about not leaving again, I honestly don't know how's that gonna work out but I am obviously hoping for the best.
Trying not to kick someone's ass and put on a fake smile for Ms. Bosses-a-lot,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
06. 04. 2013
So as usual, I am stuck at work. This is all my fault, I should have totally stayed at home. Nothing has pretty much changed since everything started going downhill. Although my dad was supposed to come yesterday and for some reason he didn't, should call him.
I just wish if I could be on my own for a while, go to some place where I could be away from everything- my job, my family. Why does everything seem to annoy me nowadays? The mistakes I did seem to be continuing to haunt me even though I thought I have moved on. I know failing A\L was my fault, but now I know what I wanna do and I am not lost anymore. Yet, every time either O/L or A/L results are out, my mother keeps reminiscing the disastrous blow of me failing A/L and then comparing me with other kids in our lane. I hate it! It is like she just wants to emphasize the fact that I am loser unlike her star son who got good results at all the exams. My job on the other hand is no better. It is such a lot of pressure and I just might explode one of these days.
But a strange thing happened today, my strict boss actually stood up for me when one of our editors changed the intro of my story to an outdated news intro. I went and spoke to the editor and told him it was outdated and he agreed to do a minor modification to it, surprisingly. More importantly, my bosses act of encouraging me to stand up for myself was nice.
Disappointed and Confused,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
21. 03. 2013
This week sucks! It all started last Saturaday when I got this "sweet warning" from one of my immediate bosses to be more serious about what I do. It is my fault actually, I have been distracted lately and I was really tired of doing follow ups on BBSO :/ She didn't scold me or anything and she was very sweet about it and I too took it pretty well, at that time at least. Then it got onto my head and when I thought about it, I realized that after an year of employment, what I get is a warning :( (That's when I could not hold it anymore so I went to the washroom and cried my eyes out) I can't stop thinking about it, about how I suck at everything I do. I screwed up A/Ls and now I on my way to screw up my career. When I celebrated my first year work anniversary, I had confidence. I thought if I tried harder I'll be able to make a change and be one of those celebrated journalists, but I have come to the bitter realization that I will never be able to something that matters. I hate work now and going there everyday is like a curse!
The worst thing is, even my family members think I am such a loser. Last Sunday, my brother was talking about this theory he had heard where sons get more qualities from their mothers which includes the level of intelligence. Well, out of the three of us, my brother is the smartest and the most brainy one (always getting superb results and all while I on the other hand screw up everything). So he was joking about how it might have been the case in our family as well and my mom sort of went with it. Though they were joking I knew that they were partly serious about it.
Arrrghhhh! I am such a LOSER!
Trying to concentrate only on the bright side but failing every time,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
16. 03. 2013
So I ended it, whatever I had with him- a relationship or whatever you call it, is history now. I didn't feel the way people are normally supposed to feel when they are in relationships. I felt the same- single as usual. That was my reason to end it, I felt like I was rooting for a hopeless cause and strangely, I feel glad. If it is meant to happen, it'll happen. I just have to wait until the right time comes.
Well, speaking of the right time, I think it has dawned for my brother because finally he is serious about his current relationship after he broke up with his first girlfriend which was his first serious relationship. I think the girl is good for him. She is pretty and all and is really nice too. I am happy for them and I hope it'll work out well for both of them because I think they are cute together (errr being cheesy :/). Well at least someone is happy in the chaos of love.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
06. 03. 2013
My cousin has hit rock bottom which in slang means that he is in DEEP shit. I too am in deep shit. I have no idea how to solve this or even how to react at the horrifying knowledge of it. We look up to our elders because we are culturally programmed to respect them and they are supposed to be the ones who know what is best, but what are you supposed to do if you gain the knowledge of a blunder made by elders which is disastrous enough to destroy two families.
I just need to get this out of my head. Last Friday, I received a phone call from my cousin who sounded utterly distressed, he said he wanted to meet me. So as per our agreement, I met him on the following day.
I felt my feet trembling as I was listening to him, I still can't believe it is true, Not a second passes by without me praying for all of this to be a huge misunderstanding. They say the truth is always bitter, it can torment you and I haven't really figured out what do with the truth, the truth that the Bastard is cheating on my God Mother with the Bitch, but me and my cousin both know that we have to face it.
How could the Bastard (Because I swore to myself that I am not going to pay him any respect the moment I heard the truth, not to him or to the Bitch) do it? How could he even think of cheating on my God Mother! My God Mother is one of the most kind and generous people on earth. Why do bad things always happen to good people?
How will a kid react to the fact that his father is cheating on his mother, I can understand the pain my cousin goes through, and I am proud of him for being an adult about this. He is only 19, he could have thrown a tantrum like all the other teenage boys or thrown his father out of the house. I was the first person he had told it to. I could see that he had cried and his words were heavy, I felt like crying but I knew I had to be strong.
We could only think of one person to tell this, that is our Uncle, who is very educated and tolerant and also sensible not to take any quick decisions. He said he'll take care of it, but the the two families will collapse, that is inevitable.
I still haven't told this to mom and I am not going to. How can I show her all those text messages, How will she react? This has been tormenting me and I worried about my cousin and my God Mother. Such a disaster....
Hoping for the best, Trying to stay strong,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
01. 03. 2013
I can't believe myself, but I actually made an attempt to re-bond with my dad. My relationship with my father has had its ups and downs (well mostly downs) given the fact that I can't stand his habit of excessive drinking. He is to come home in April and has already made plans not to return to Maldives since he thinks it's about time he retired. This is where I thought of being the better person in trying to communicate with him because I haven't done that in like- a long time. So I started chatting with him on facebook and it wasn't that bad. Dad and I chilled out and talked about mundane stuff and it was actually nice.
Yet there is that dark cloud over me which warns me that the past will repeat itself. I don't know, but I have decided to prepare myself for the worst.
I have a feeling that I am going to run out of ideas to make the birthdays of my best friends special since all of them are celebrating their 21st birthday! (that is just freaking awesome!!!!! and crazy :P). The first on the list is Pooh, whose birthday is on the 4th of March and this time I am gonna surprise her with a video (made and edited by---- *drum rolls* ME) and as for the other three idiots, eh I'll figure something out.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
23. 02. 2013
I am in a state of extreme ecstasy :D I made new friends today and I feel like I am beginning to evolve into a more social creature from the anti-social geek that I was until recent times. I enjoyed my solitude and I'd rather be left alone than being surrounded by a bunch of people unless they are my best friends, but for a change making new friends is not all that bad. Initially I wasn't planning on going to this 'Sundowners' Gathering' organized by my classmates in the IR class, but at the last moment I decided to go since I had ditched their first 'Ice Break Get Together' (just so they wouldn't think I am so full of myself). So, following an extremely interesting lecture in International Law (sarcastic much :P) I set off to the Dutch Hospital with my classmates.
And that's when the fun began :) I mean it was great, we talked about everything from movies to Sri Lankan society and its issues. It was entertaining since the group had diversity in professions, age groups and even in ethnicity. Diversity is what makes Sri Lankans interesting. If this has taught me anything it is be open minded. Had I been judgmental like I was the last time, I would have missed this opportunity to meet such an interesting group of friends.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
19. 02. 2013
I took the leap! finally, put aside my cowardice, gathered my courage and I took the leap. I don't know what will happen next, but I am just going to wait and watch. Last night I had a fairly long text message conversation with him where we tried to define our relationship (lame, I know). I was completely honest and told him that I felt happy and confused when he asked me how I felt. He said he felt the same. I am in love with him and I am not afraid to accept that now, but it isn't a relationship. Right now we are trying to figure out where this will lead us. He and I agreed on not jumping into definitions so technically it is like an open relationship. 'Best friends who one day hope to become lovers' is his way of putting it. I am not sure if this is a good idea, I wish if I could talk to Chan right now, she would know what to do.
And 'hurricane dad' is to arrive in April and this time he's not gonna go back. He says its about time he returned since he is 60 now and he is looking forward to spend time with his family and that is my cue to move out, at least I think it is. Moving out is not easy, first I have to be able to afford a place of my own. But I am considering that as an option, or may be get a job far far away from home and find an excuse to be seldom at home. I am not sure if my dad has changed. He tells me that when he come here, he will find a new job and he won't drink like he does when he comes down for holidays. I wonder if I can believe that. I want to believe him and part of me says it'll be alright but then again there is another part of me that keeps yelling at my blindness saying that this is just a bad idea.
I don't wanna go through it again. I don't think I can handle it if I had to. I still wonder what happen to that man whom I used to consider my hero, whom I used to imitate all the time because I wanted to be just like him. It is crazy how people change, I mean now, I don't want him in my life. I just want my life to be simple and joyous. Hope fate won't take that away from me
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
14. 02. 2013
This is the bloody height of madness! *Jehan's uncle tone* I seriously DO NOT get him, I thought he was playing 'hard to get' and now, he wants to meet up. I still blame my self for getting involved in all this drama. It is far from just a casual friendship but nor is it a relationship, I don't know why I suddenly felt so happy when I saw the poem he had tagged me today. I don't know why I feel nervous every time I talk to him, it is like I can't think of what to say. I try to sound clam and chilled out but inside my head it is like an orchestra playing Beethoven's fifth symphony in C minor. May be I love him or may be not. I am to figure out, soon.
And yesterday was just AWESOME! I had to go to Awissawella on a news coverage where a laborer at the hospital had allegedly tried to sell an infant, and man it was so exciting. Being out there in the field is the true spirit of journalism. That's what I thought was in store for me when I chose Journalism. I was enjoying every moment I spent digging up details and trying to get to the bottom of the story. I even found it amusing when my photographer and the driver who drove us bitched about each other since they were not in good terms (that was epic :P).
I met this awesome senior journalist who sacrificed his entire day to help us find information (He was the guy who broke out the story for the first time). While we were travelling he told me about his past experiences and how he used to engage in all these adventurous news assignments. That is what being a journalist is to me, Being out there and help reveal the villains of the society. Kudos to Mr. Somasiri for all his efforts and I hope I'll get to work with him again. Keep calm and try to save the world with a pen.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
11. 02. 2013
Holy shit! he made contact! I don't know what I am feeling right now, I am happy and nervous, it is like butterflies in my stomach. It has almost been two week I guess, two week since his awkward poem expressing his love to a 20 year old to which he tagged me on facebook. I still can't seem to figure out if I am in love with him or if this is just an attraction. I like his personality and the fact that he is matured and exposed than I am to the subtleties of the cruel society. Talking to him makes me feel that I too am learning about these subtleties, about the nature of things. It is crazy.
I wasn't sure if I was ready to take the leap. I am not sure if I believe in love, relationships or even the concept of 'the one'. He makes me want to believe but at the same time it is hard to go pass the scarred history, the things I have seen about how people suffer because of the consequences of such human connections. My mind is 'fucked up' (apologize for the use of the word, there is no other way to explain it :P). Getting caught up in this drama was the last thing I wanted. I can feel the annoyance of my mind, totally fed up of telling me to get back to my senses. A part of me wants to take the leap and my friends tell me that I'll never know until I do. But is it worth taking the risk?
Live, Laugh, Love.
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
And I am writing about my life again, only this time it is on cyber space. About three or four of years ago, I realized writing a diary is a lot of trouble (irrespective of the relief it gives you) since you have to hide it well so that no one else at home will find it and all that crap. This is a better way I guess because I know for sure that people I know would not bother reading my blog which gives me the perfect privacy I need (I don't care if random people read this cause I don't know them and they would not give me judgmental looks or try to give me free advice :P). If you want to hide something, hide it in plain sight.
20 years of my life has already passed and all those dramatic and stupid teenage years are behind me. They are both nice and horrific memories made. I sometimes think about the 16 year old me and laugh since now I find it hard to believe I was that naive and stupid (not that I am all grown up now), But I guess over the years, I have learnt to be more patient and to look at life's chaos with indifference.
Right now the picture is not all that bad, I have a job that I love (but the pay sucks though :P), I am gifted with the most amazing friends in the world and then there are minor hiccups like my relations with my father and my stagnated love life but other than that, it is going pretty well. Let this be the first episode of 'life as I know it' where I will be penning the script of my life.
Live, Laugh and Love.
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
Random question, Have you ever been so close to anyone that the emotional intimacy actually scares you? it is strange by every definition. But lately I have been feeling that. I have always been a person who greatly appreciated solitude and my space. But this sometimes feels like a subtle yet sweet invasion of my space. Strong enough to startle me and make yearn for it at the same time.
Confused,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
28.04.2014
A relatively free day at work. As usual I am seated at the computer listening to yet another awesome playlist on 8 tracks.
So, Yanni was in Sri Lanka. Yes, it was THE YANNI, the most awesome composer of all-time and my inspiration. The best part is, my life-long dream of watching a live concert of his finally came true!—all thanks to Aunty Cactus (much love :D). And yes, it was out-of-the-world amazing! For that one and a half hour, I was at peace and it was everything that was right with the world. Before my eyes, unravelled a musical extravaganza featuring melodies of paradise. Yanni Live In Sri Lanka was simply awesome!
And on a different note, I would like to give out a message to all those morons out there who still think that smoking is cool. If you wanna make a fool of yourself and go through a painful death, please do that after making sure that you are completely alone in this world, that there is no one to watch you go through that pain. Seriously, it would not only kill you, but it would also kill whoever who is taking care of you.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
25.02.2014
Just when you think you are making some progress in what you do, there is always a disaster that follows and ruins that tiny bit of confidence you gained. I hate it when that happens and the worst of all is that it is all my fault. HAD I been more careful....Then you are back to square one, where you think you have no idea what you should be doing and you don't have the damn courage to make any decisions.
Everything is a part of the vicious cycle of life. And yesterday was the worst. One out of my four best friends had us thinking that she was going to commit suicide. She sent the same text message—Budusarani to all four of us and then switched off her phone. We tried to contact her for hours, in all possible ways but ended without luck. We were scared to death because we knew that she had been in major depression lately and we have been doing everything we could to help her out. I even sent messages and called her family to which her brother finally replied today morning. It was such a horrifying experience. The thought that her committing suicide was a possibility almost killed me. Now I know how it feels, when you think you have lost someone close to your heart.
SERIOUSLY, if you ever feel suicidal, just sit down, take a deep breath and think of all the people who love you. Because one suicide kills many—it may kill one physically but it kills many around that person emotionally.
Fate!
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
16.02.2014
Human relations; be it friendships, love affairs, relations with the family, how can one manage all of these in a way that keeps everyone around him happy and satisfied? Would be a very difficult task for sure. Then there are some relationships that can't be defined. For me, managing relationships (and I mean any kind of relationship) have always been chaotic. I just don't get some relationships in my life. May be it is because I don't express myself that well. I never tell people what I really feel about them, be it love, caring or even hatred. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing but that is just the way I am. And I am just rambling about my feelings like a mad man.
On a different note, one thing you are gonna have to learn as you grow up is to work under pressure. So far, I haven't been able to handle it all that well but, I am learning. But the hardest thing is to get pass your mistakes. Once you make a grave mistake, you will always have that fear inside of you, the fear of repeating your mistakes. This makes it harder to take decisions. That is where I am at now. Yes I made a mistake and I know that I should move pass that if I want to improve and grow, but it is not that easy. Every time I have to take a decision, all those awful memories start haunting me, reminding me what it as like to be humiliated because I was stupid.
Enough whining because there are things to be happy about. So I started CIM and it has been quite interesting so far. It is good to be sitting in a class learning something. I have been missing it for the past few months since IR concluded. I am already inspired by how passionate my lecturers are. They are encouraging students to be achievers. 'Business Athleticism', something that Strategy (Where I go to campus) believes in. I think it is a great concept. It is where you wake the athlete in you and strive to achieve. You are not a businessman, but you are an athlete who is driven with all his might towards victory. I look forward to be inspired.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
10.01.2014
Once you do something that make someone lose their faith and confidence in you, it is really hard to instill it again. You might make a stupid blunder out of ignorance, but if it means that you let down a person who trusted you, then needless to say that that person will never be able to trust you again.
I am painfully aware that I am not good at handling high pressure situations and that I have to work a lot towards moving pass my cowardice and fearlessly facing challenges that confront me. Yes, I committed a blunder! And that has resulted in people losing their confidence in me.
Also, I think may be I should have taken a different approach to building my social image. The one I have created for myself, which makes people perceive me as a into-fun-and-never-serious kind of character also has had an impact in most of them believing that they can treat me in whichever the way they please and I wouldn't mind. I always get the feeling that people are just using me. And I have been forced to wear a fake smile, make small talk and let them believe that I am as happy as I can be.
Trying to forgive and forget,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
01.01.2014
New year!!!! yet somehow, it still feels like 2013. So, following are what I hope to accomplish this year,
Resolutions for 2014-
Donate Blood
This has always been one of those things that I really wanna do and I being freaking underweight (Because you need to exceed 50 kg to be fit to donate blood and I am stuck at 43, damn it!!!) have never been able to do it. But I can hopefully change that this year....
(which brings me to number two in the list)
Gain Weight-
Well, I am just going to eat like a pig and let my body do the rest (Haha!).
Get my Driving License-
Hopefully getting my driving license will make me a wee bit more independent, so I am gonna work towards that this year.
(last but not the least)
Learn to play the Violin-
I luuurrvee the sound of the violin, just love it! It is something that mesmerizes me and brings me peace. I can spend hours and hours listening to Beethoven's symphonies, The Piano Guys, Two Cellos and the list goes on and on.
Hope I'll have a score of four out of four at the end of 2014.
:)
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
30.12.2013
Here we go, year in review! There is only one day for 2013 to end! before I started writing this post I went through the old posts I have written in 'Life as I know it' and I gotta say there has been an exact 50/50 of good and bad in my life this year.
2013 started out all good (with the bonfire we organized to bid farewell to 2012 while welcoming 2013).
One of my life-long dreams came true this year and that happened just as I turned 21! (legal and about 80 percent independent, haha) Seeing what I have accomplished was the best 21st birthday gift I could have ever gotten. That feeling was just amazing (still looking for a properly worded expression to describe it precisely). And I fell in love but got my heart broken leaving a permanent scar of a failed first love (I know, I know, such drama :P). Met awesome people, made new friends and didn't get into any fights but there was a series of traumatic incidents that almost made me want to quit everything. So, 2013 was both amazing and horrifying.
I guess it is all about looking back and having no regrets. I am happy about where I am at right now, as a person. Yes, there were quite a few glitches but those have made me learn. And I am told that "It is all part of a learning process". Here I am, learning and trying to improve. At the end of the year, I feel nothing different. I guess I feel a little grown up (now that I am 21 and all :P).
Wonder what is in store for me in 2014,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
26.12.2013
It is still too early for my 'year in review' post. So obviously, this is not it. I won't blabber on how this year has been good or bad for me (in this post, haha). I just want to have a judgement on how self-confident I am. Recently, I was confronted with not one, but several instances where I questioned whether or not I knew where I was headed. Despite the effort I put, everything I did turned out to be wrong. Very traumatic period indeed. If there is one thing I learned from that whole disastrous incident, it is to never trust what people say, it is to always trust what is written rather than the spoken words, because people always lie and they take back what they said.
I was told, "Trust me, I won't take my word back. Don't always go by the book" by this particular person (Yes, I am avoiding names and even genders, this person henceforth in this post shall be know as X) on getting approval for a particular work assignment that I was assigned to. I was naive to trust X even though I requested written approval. I guess X didn't have the tiniest indication of a guilty conscience when X so conveniently took back what was told, leading me into an utter disastrous situation. The stress for me was just too much to handle. I have recovered to some extent but still hurts me to think about what I went through (You might say, "It is not the end of the world, forget and move on!"), I wish if it was that simple. If I could just forget and move on.
It got me thinking, the society has gone through such a drastic moral degradation that lying has become a norm (I am not saying I have never lied, I mean, I am not a saint, but at least I'll have a guilty conscience). Sadly, we have come to a point where, lying has become an essentiality to get through our day today lives. And this is the so called "Gautama Budhha Rajyaya" (the country where the supreme Buddhist philosophy prevails). What have we become or rather what have we achieved? Aren't we still at where we began?
Disappointed and disgusted,
Adios,
Until Fate Strikes again.....
02.12.2013
Life is nothing but bouquets and brickbats—at least that's what my life is and has always been. If one thing goes write, then several other things that turn to utter chaos follows it. It has always been this way for me.
So, while today is day of celebration to me, it is also a day of disaster. I am happy—extremely happy—because my life long dream of becoming a writer for Explore Sri Lanka came true as my first article for it was published. I felt like I was on top of the world as I stared at it over and over again, like a blind child who suddenly got the gift of sight. (Note to self- Remember that feeling as long as you are alive).
Oh well, bliss follows disaster, that has been the cue of my life all these year, what makes today an exception? Disaster one was forgetting a business card of a client at home and my friend who was disappointed gave me a lecture on how I should be more responsible in terms of 'EMPHASIS work'.
Disaster two—One of the press releases I wrote had to be corrected again followed by advices that I should always give it to someone else to read before I sent it (reminded me of what a horrible writer I am).
Last but not the least, disaster 3—The company and personal profiles I wrote for a client had also been returned. The write-up being not punchy and vibrant enough being the reason for that. Again I got the same set of advices that I received in the press release scenario (again, I am a horrible writer).
The issue with me is that, I am not good at handling pressure situations and when it comes to Emphasis work, it is always high pressure. No matter how hard I try to do a good job, something always goes wrong (Err...just my luck!). Everyone keeps telling me that, I need to take things easy and calm down. And that when I make a mistake, I shouldn't worry about it but try to make it an opportunity to learn. Believe me I am trying, how can I hang on to faith when there is a average ratio of 3:1 bad and good in my life?
Hanging by the thread of faith,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
07.11.2013
Man! getting over a heartbreak sure is damn hard! So over the past few weeks I have been trying to drown myself in work and be distracted since I want to move on. Life means up and downs and bouquets and brickbats. The best thing is to just get back up and journey on. That is what I have been trying to do ever since that crashing moment.
I was doing well and I even started talking to him again because we both agreed that our friendship should remain the same no matter what happens.
(Ok, this post will feature my drama queen mode from this point onwards)
He texted me saying that he wanted to talk to me regarding a Rotaract project.
Aaaand then rang the phone,
I just couldn't pick it up and answer it because I realized I had no strength to do that. I have never been like this. I was fine when I didn't believe in love and relationships. Now it is clear that none of this is happiness.
Trying to be strong,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
30.10.2013
Ah...a happy day! Having been just after a journey where I explored the beautiful hill country, I think I am still lost among those blissful moments where I embraced the endearing scenic beauty. That being said, this is kind of a mental note to me to remember important things when you are to take a long distance trip.
My mother usually is a person who prepares herself and her things way in advance when we go on trips or anywhere for that matter (Aaand I am the exact opposite of that :P). So we set off our journey to Nuwara Eliya early Saturday morning and all of a sudden when we had traveled for about 90 kilometers, my mother arrives at the bitter realization that she had left her purse at home! (HOLY CRAP!). Yes she did forget it, and we realized it thanks to a policeman who stopped us on the way to check the revenue license of the car (Since people are supposed to paste a copy of it on the top left corner of the windscreen and we obviously haven't done it :P). I was cursing him for stopping us but later I realized that if it had not been for him, we would have gone all the way up to Nuwara Eliya and realized it. The confirmation receipt of the hotel reservation, mom's ID, credit cards were all in her purse, so we had to go back home and get it (And yes it was BLOODY hectic!). We had to travel an additional 180 kilometers because of it.
Take it from this, please double check everything before you set off to go anywhere! it will surely save you a hell of a lot of trouble and even if you or someone you are with faces, such a situation try to be calm and act patiently. When it happened to my mom, my dad acted did scold her bit, but he was calm and he agreed to drive home and come back because he knew how my mom was looking forward to this trip. I learned a lesson for life. I will never ever forget to take anything hereafter when I go on trips.
Lesson learned! :)
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
21.10.2013
OK, really sorry to start the day mourning like this but I would say this is rather a good mourning than a good morning. For the first time in my life I am lovelorn (and I hate this crap!). Being in love is a wonderful feeling, but it gets so much worse when the person you love does not return the love (This is as cheesy as it gets and again I am sorry, arrghhh!).
So I have had feelings for this guy for some time now and being the lame ass coward I am, I haven't been able to tell him anything about it. We were chatting over this long weekend and somehow this came up because of a chain message he sent me (LAME! I know, stupid chain messages :/). So I finally conveyed him the fact that I had feelings for him. Aaaaand then it all came crashing down when he said that he too wanted to be with me but didn't wanna commit to anything serious or didn't wanna commit emotionally because he is a emotional screw-up (Bleh..!). I took it pretty well.....at first, but then I realized that I couldn't do it. I couldn't be friends with him while I still had feelings for him. So I told him I needed some space to think it through.
I know it is not his fault, I mean if anything, he has been nothing but honest with me in saying that he didn't wanna commit to anything serious. He could have just gone out with me and just dumped me like a soulless monster. My mind tells me to be logical and talk to him, but how can I do that? For the first time in my life, I am crying over something so stupid as this. I hate who I have become. Have I come to the bitter realization that may be this is what it feels like when you get your heart broken (Drama Queen Mode Activated, Bleh!)
Conclusion: am I gonna avoid him for the rest of my life? hmm may be. Has this effectively ruined our friendship? I dunno, I think so. More importantly, am I going to mourn over him for the rest of my life? HELL NO! yes, it is agreeable that it is hard to get over the first love. I mean, that tingling feeling you get which is like butterflies-in-your-stomach, when you are in love. It is hard to get over. Yet, I know I am better than this. I am gonna get back up again. Ok ok, I need like a little time to mourn over my lost love (I am only human dammit!). Rest assured, I'll be fine.
:)
Dipped in a whirlpool of emotions,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
13.10.2013
Ah...after a long pause. It is nice to be blogging again, although I should start writing poems again. I think I haven't written a single poem in like two or three months. My life continuously is confronted with ups and downs, bouquets and brickbats and I think I might be in love.
If love is what makes you think of someone every time you hear a happy song, every time you hear someone smile, if it is the constant thought of someone that haunts your heart making it a bittersweet pain--if it is--then may be I am in love. I am usually not this cheesy, in fact I am the opposite of cheesy, but now I can't help it, it is just so crazy and so not me!
I am getting used to the new office, well by the looks of it, it seems ok and people are not bad too. All of them are crazy in their own ways. But more on that later....
That being said, I took a walk down the memory lane again (more like forced to take a walk, because my room had arrived at that point where it couldn't be messed further, So I had to clean it up! :P). I was going through all my old stuff and I found some of my old diary notes. Believe me, I couldn't stop laughing when I was reading them. Yet, one thing I realized was, how much I have grown up. In the end these are the memories that define you and make you the person you are today. That is why history is important and that is why I didn't have the heart to just throw them away. So I am preserving them for life.
So....here goes nothing....
Yes, in another 10 years time I might look at this blog and laugh again at my naivety at the age of 20, but it is ok, because I will learn to grow only if I make mistakes. Never hate or resent your past irrespective of whether or not it is good or bad, for that is what made you who you are today.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
06.09.2013
They shouldn't have called it the Good Market because that name is so under-rated. It should have been called the 'Best Market. That being said, this post is not about all those exciting deals you get at the Good Market, this is about being spontaneous and expressing yourself.
I met this fortune teller yesterday who told me that my life will have a total transformation beginning from last night. I was asked to pick 2 cards out of the lot and when I flipped them over the first question he asked me was if I was in a relationship or if there was anyone I liked.The gist of the whole future predicting session was that I should be spontaneous, I should not be afraid to express who I am or what I feel even though I don't have the tiniest bit of strength to tell people what I really feel or think about them. I have never been good at that. I can love someone wholeheartedly and never tell anything about it.
I am just not the kind who can just say what I feel. Honestly I've got no balls for that. I have never told my friends how much I love them but I guess somehow they know that I do because those four idiots (irrespective of how crazy they might be) just get me. I have only met few people like that, people with whom I can talk just about anything.
This is why my sister and I are totally opposite of each other, I so admire my sister's guts and fearlessness in expressing herself. She is shockingly brave when it comes things like that and so is my Mom. Guess I am the runt of the family.
Oh well, that's just me being me
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
23.08.2013
"In life you have to make decisions, after all its your life. You will make 100 decisions and 2 of them might be bad decisions, but don't let it be otherwise. Never regret a decision you made".
Those were Eng. D. D. Wijemanne's words as I handed over the letter to him. Repeatedly, I was asked to re-consider my decision, which for me is impossible now. Aaaand thus it was official, finally was able to get over with all documentation. Two letters, each marking significant points in my career.
They say I look happier than usual, I don't know, may be because I feel good. Not to leave a place but to have a fresh start.
I gotta get used to feature writing. One thing I am glad about is the fact that it makes my mom happy, even proud. I just wanna live the imaginations I paint in my mind every time I watch Discovery Channel (Ehem, nerd alert :P), read Explore Sri Lanka or Serendib.
Hoping for the best,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
17.08.2013
Still trying to figure out if it was my luck or my talent. May be it was luck, or may be it was both. I just know that I am gonna live my dream (fingers crossed!). Traveling, exploring, writing, enjoying peaceful moments- hopefully everything will workout just the way I want them to. One e mail and the difference it made....
The hardest part would be bidding farewell to the people I care about, they say you don't have real friends in the corporate world, nor real enemies. Yet sometimes, you meet these people who at first might be total strangers with different interests, and yet somehow they become your friends.
Everything comes with a price, Living one of your dreams might consequently lead you to give up another dream. How can I blatantly say good bye to that place I so care about and my mentor, without whom I would have never gotten into Journalism in the first place.
I know that my decision has had a harsh impact on the three people in my office I care about the most. But would I be doing justice to myself if I just gave up on my dream even when I can see that it is about to come true, right at this moment!
I've made my decision and I am gonna do what I dreamed of doing ever since I was a little girl!
Trying to live while I am alive,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
04.08.2013
Day by day I find myself yearning for an escape. A getaway from all the hassle. I have come to the bitter realization that I might be trapped in a labyrinth, miserable and lost.
Apart from all this there are those little things that give me immense happiness. They give me hope and strength to hold on. So we had to make this presentation for our IR class and might I say we (me and my two friends) totally nailed it :) and our extremely strict soft power lecturer was really impressed with it. What struck me was what he said after the presentation. He complemented what we did and said that kids of our potential could do a lot more than we think. I know this sounds like some cheesy post about a teacher's compliment which makes me sound like an absolute nerd. But the point is I felt really proud of myself for the first time in a long time. It made me realize that I shouldn't be scared to follow my dreams. Even if I take a wrong turn, the whole point is not to look back after years and have regrets.
I don't know. If I can't be happy with what I do, then I might just quit and start what I have always wanted to do. One of these days I might just quit.
Feeling brave,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
22.07.2013
Why does pursuit of happiness always have to be a challenge? For once why can't it be simple, like walking on meadow or just sitting under a tree, smelling the refreshing fragrance of wet grass swaying to the slight breeze. Why does happiness have to be temporary?
Lately I've been feeling like I am on a run without a clue on where I"ll end up and now I am restless. I don't know if I am lost or if I am just trying to take an alternative route. I have everything I need, yet I am not happy because I feel like there is something missing. They say you have to live your life to the fullest, all I do is go to work, come home, go for classes and go to work again. Life is stagnated and it is like all my dreams are gradually drifting away and forcing me to accept the truth that may be this is as far as I go.
On a different note, sometimes people don't realize how hard their words could pierce through someone's heart. I am not a saint. I have said pretty hurtful things to people but just didn't realize the gravity of it until it happened to me. It is so hurtful that I can't stop thinking about it.
May be this how I get to suffer the repercussions of lying to my parents. And I am writing this part of the post solely because I need redemption. Yes, I lied and went bowling with my colleagues. I shouldn't have done that but I did it anyway because my mom would have never allowed me to hang out in the evening with three guys who for the record are totally good people. It was harmless fun and I sometimes don't get why they have to make a big fuss about everything.
Well this is the only place where I can whine about stuff without being a pain to anyone. So I am just gonna let all my misery out. I crave for a change.
Confused, again!
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
01.07.2013
Every part of it seemed like a just a casual hangout with a friend until he held my hand while we were watching the movie. From that point onward he started acting like we were a couple (of course he didn't try to rape me or anything, haha) He wanted to hold my hand which I thought was totally weird so I protested.
Seriously, why do guys have to be so weird! you don't say anything directly but you make all these typical boyfriend gestures which just makes it simply awkward. This guy is a good friend of mine and we have been planning to meet up since like forever, either something comes up at work or family commitments which always made us postpone whatever we planned. Somehow we decided last week that we'll go see this movie (World War Z: totally awesome movie by the way, Brat Pitt just takes your breadth away :P).
So yeah there I was, totally freaked out by all the zombie scenes since it was all 3D and all of a sudden he holds my hand and inside my head I am like "What in the-f*&%ing hell is he doing? It isn't like this is a date or something" and I take my hand back, then he takes it again, it was bloody weird.
We wanted to grab something to eat after the movie and he took me to this place, nice and quiet, I really like d the place except.......he F%^$ing starts acting all cheesy and boyfriend-like again! I mean what is the deal?! He tried to kiss me at one point! I was annoyed big time! For starters I never thought of him that way and we both knew that this wasn't a date! So why the fucking hell does he have to be all weird???!
Now I'll have to avoid him regardless of the fact that he was such a good friend of mine. To all guys- if you like a girl just freaking say it! without being crazy! We won't murder you if you say it, we'll just say yes or no depending on weather we like you or not.
Ah yet again the story of my life, guys I like doesn't aren't event aware of the simple fact of my existence whereas guys I don't like are very much aware of it and I always get stuck in the middle of stupid almost-relationship-like soaps!
Annoyed to the extent where I fail to describe my annoyance,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
29. 05. 2013
Well to start off things, I got on to the wrong bus. All I had to do was get into a nice 177 when my dad dropped me off at the Kotte Junction, But nooooo, me being freaking short sighted got on to a 171 (aaand this happened while I was wearing my specs :P) and went all the way to Pettah, just to get another 138 bus to come to my office.
I realized that I had got into the wrong bus as it took the road towards Borella at the Ayuruveda Hospital Junction but I did not make an attempt to get down (a saner person would have got off at the next halt, but what do you know, I am anything but sane :P). I decided to go all the way to Pettah (Just to get to know the roads. hehe). Yeah, naive and stupid it may sound, but I think it was actually a good experience.
That is how I want my life to be. I wanna be able to just wander away and explore, I don't wanna know what happens next.
On a completely different note, Damn it! Racism is everywhere! I really can't figure out what people actually gain from such a stupid idea. Ok, may be humans naturally have the urge to be superior to one another but man! discrimination of a whole group of individuals or a another community, that is just plain crazy! While I was in the bus, this Sinhalese beggar lady got in carrying a child and most of the people were generous enough to give her something and a while later, when the bus was passing Maradana, a Muslim beggar lady got in and handed out a note which said she was a mother of two, was mute and that she needed help to support her kids. Now I gave what I could to both of the begging ladies because I pitied them (feeling like a saint :P haha), but majority in the bus (being Sinhalese, Catholic etc etc) did not give any money to the Muslim lady. Now some people might argue that the lady with the kid would be more appealing than the lady with the note, but after all, aren't we all humans? would it hurt to give 10 bucks to a needy person?
The other day, I was out with friends and one of my best friends thought it wasn't a good idea to go to Dinemore just because we would be paying them a lot of money because there were eight people in the group. She didn't like the idea because Dinemore is owned by a Muslim. I didn't wanna argue with her on that, I think as her best friend, it is my duty to tell her that it is wrong.
I mean what is the point of all this? So you boycott Halal products or Muslims may refrain from buying stuff from shops owned by Sinhalese, what exactly do you get out of that? Is it going to make you happy? or is it gonna get you a pay raise? No! you are just left with hatred and misery. At least in peace there is happiness. We might ignore these little things but these are the incidents that ultimately lead to ethnic conflicts!
Totally convinced that I am crazy :P and I am totally AGAINST racism,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
25. 05. 2013
Whoa! it's been a while, finally, I am relaxed enough to come to my favorite place on cyberspace. Let's just say, for the past three weeks I got to know the real meaning of 'being busy'. Piles and piles of work, rushing to meet short deadlines, but all in all I am happy that our efforts in organizing the exhibition weren't in vain, since the execution was a huge success. I am gradually adjusting myself to the new work environment and everything seems to be going well.
But lately I have been getting this feeling that I keep drifting away from my dream. I made it clear to myself that my ultimate goal would be to excel in journalism which consoles my heart and soul, I took the new job so that I could stabilize myself and be independent. But I feel like I am drifting away from journalism. So I made a resolution to write whenever I get time. They say "No pain, No gain" and you have to sacrifice things to gain things. It is a pity you can't plan your life to be the way you want it to be. I really miss being the carefree journalist.
What would a person feel if he/ she knew that a another girl/ boy was unconditionally in love with hm/her? The question itself is crazy. I got to know that this person is in love with me but that person did not admit it to me, and now I don't know what to do. Why does this happen to me when I try my best to stay out of these things? Am I weird for not believing in love or relationships?
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
29. 04. 2013
Right now, I am seated in front of the computer at my new desk in my new office. Crazy enough, everything got finalized today and I guess the director got a good first impression about me. He said I had "the right attitudes", whatever that means. I am both elated and agonized, this means I won't be seeing much of my old office even though I'll continue to work for them on a freelance basis, like I used to do. I still haven't figured out how I am going to tell this to my boss who is the best and the most chilled out news editor ever.
My new boss is a friend of mine and is a person who is completely focused in what he is doing while thriving for perfection. It is not a bad place to work and I am the youngest in the office. I can definitely say one thing though, I'll never find a bunch of awesome colleagues anywhere else other than at my old office. I'll miss them, the group of crazy and talented individuals with different interests (basically all of them are very creative people and working with them was an absolute bliss) but I guess that is what life is. You have to bid your farewells, then new people come to your life.
As challenging as my new job may be, I hope for the best.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
24. 04. 2013
I took the job! and I am to start from next Monday itself. It is still like a dream to me, there is a part of me that keeps telling me that all this is probably just an illusion. Now I have to figure out how to have 'the talk' with my current boss who is like the best boss in the world. I wonder what he'll say... and then to my super awesome colleagues whom I'll miss like hell.
I don't intend to leave my current job and since I am a freelance writer, I don't have to be at work everyday. Taking the new job means that I'll be spending a lot less time at my old office- where I will be paying impromptu visits depending on my free time.
I guess I'll have to accept what Lord Tennyson said, "Old order changeth, yielding place to new"
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
23. 04. 2013
Aaaand I was just offered a job, as Secretary to the General Manager of the Chamber of Construction Industry (CCI) Sri Lanka. For all I know, it sounds cool and if I am to take it, it means I'll have to bid farewell to my current job (duh!). I know lately I have been whining about how I have to work like a cow and not get paid accordingly, which is why I started the whole job hunting process again. This is totally unexpected and impromptu. Out of the blue, I get a call from my friend who works there to tell me about this offer. I am to go and meet him today. He didn't even know I was applying for other jobs! The pay is definitely more than what I get at my current job and I can probably continue writing even if I took the job at CCI since I am a freelancer. Yet there is something which makes me hesitant to leave this place.
Anyways I am gonna go and meet my friend and see what all the offer is all about. I wanna earn more but I just can't bear the thought of leaving. May be I won't get it. Why the hell am I worried this much? There is no harm in meeting him. Let's see how this works out now.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
18. 04. 2013
Why does money has to get in the way of everything? Seriously, if you think about it, everything comes down to money in the end. May be in another five years when I read this post again, I will laugh at my naivety or may be I would have done exactly what I am about to write and would be proud of myself. I'll leave that for future me to decide but the present me has to decide whether or not moving out is a good option. It sounds alarmingly crazy, I mean living all by myself (provided I have the financial capacity to do so). May be this is my misery voicing itself given that I had quite a huge fight with my mother this morning (It went up to the point where she threatened that she will not give me food and I too did not give in, to defend my pride I left home with out having breakfast or getting my lunch). I know it sounds crazy and stupid when I write it now, but it was pretty intense.
Coming back to moving out, following the fight, I started giving serious thought to it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how hard it would be to live all by myself, and yet surprisingly I was not driven away from wanting to execute the idea. Firstly, I would have to gain sufficient capital which means I'll have to get another job- I am already on it since I have been looking for a job since the past two months but still has had no luck, I'll keep trying. Despite numerous hardships that may come in my way if I were to live alone, I don't wanna back off. My heart keeps telling me to work towards it. Either I am really stupid or really strong, I don't care.
I am tired of being picked on by everyone and I am tired of being dependent. Independence is what seek for now and I will get it. Plus I don't think my mother is ever gonna let me get pass the whole A/L disaster since she said herself she wouldn't stop talking about it even if I became the queen of the country (what are the odds of that happening, so I am literally screwed!). This morning I was thinking of giving A/Ls another shot too, but I really need to talk to someone about it. It is sad that I can't think of anyone to discuss this with, my best friends are dealing with their own problems and I can't disturb them right now (they'll kill me if they knew I thought this way). I don't really know what to do. May be I'll figure something out.
On the verge of going crazy,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
10. 04. 2013
Ok! I have reached a point where I have had enough with Ms. Bosses-a-lot! She just drives me freaking crazy! I used to love coming to work before she was here and now coming to work everyday is like a curse. Why why did they have to make her my boss! why me?! this is so stupid, I am becoming one of those stupid drama queens. What the heck did I do? I am done with all the interviews and it is just a matter of typing the article now, I get to chill out because I am done with most of what I am supposed to do but she keeps making all these sarcastic remarks! I am so angry right now, I could just kill someone (ok, may be not kill but slap).
So dad arrived yesterday and he is pretty strict about not leaving again, I honestly don't know how's that gonna work out but I am obviously hoping for the best.
Trying not to kick someone's ass and put on a fake smile for Ms. Bosses-a-lot,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
06. 04. 2013
So as usual, I am stuck at work. This is all my fault, I should have totally stayed at home. Nothing has pretty much changed since everything started going downhill. Although my dad was supposed to come yesterday and for some reason he didn't, should call him.
I just wish if I could be on my own for a while, go to some place where I could be away from everything- my job, my family. Why does everything seem to annoy me nowadays? The mistakes I did seem to be continuing to haunt me even though I thought I have moved on. I know failing A\L was my fault, but now I know what I wanna do and I am not lost anymore. Yet, every time either O/L or A/L results are out, my mother keeps reminiscing the disastrous blow of me failing A/L and then comparing me with other kids in our lane. I hate it! It is like she just wants to emphasize the fact that I am loser unlike her star son who got good results at all the exams. My job on the other hand is no better. It is such a lot of pressure and I just might explode one of these days.
But a strange thing happened today, my strict boss actually stood up for me when one of our editors changed the intro of my story to an outdated news intro. I went and spoke to the editor and told him it was outdated and he agreed to do a minor modification to it, surprisingly. More importantly, my bosses act of encouraging me to stand up for myself was nice.
Disappointed and Confused,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
21. 03. 2013
This week sucks! It all started last Saturaday when I got this "sweet warning" from one of my immediate bosses to be more serious about what I do. It is my fault actually, I have been distracted lately and I was really tired of doing follow ups on BBSO :/ She didn't scold me or anything and she was very sweet about it and I too took it pretty well, at that time at least. Then it got onto my head and when I thought about it, I realized that after an year of employment, what I get is a warning :( (That's when I could not hold it anymore so I went to the washroom and cried my eyes out) I can't stop thinking about it, about how I suck at everything I do. I screwed up A/Ls and now I on my way to screw up my career. When I celebrated my first year work anniversary, I had confidence. I thought if I tried harder I'll be able to make a change and be one of those celebrated journalists, but I have come to the bitter realization that I will never be able to something that matters. I hate work now and going there everyday is like a curse!
The worst thing is, even my family members think I am such a loser. Last Sunday, my brother was talking about this theory he had heard where sons get more qualities from their mothers which includes the level of intelligence. Well, out of the three of us, my brother is the smartest and the most brainy one (always getting superb results and all while I on the other hand screw up everything). So he was joking about how it might have been the case in our family as well and my mom sort of went with it. Though they were joking I knew that they were partly serious about it.
Arrrghhhh! I am such a LOSER!
Trying to concentrate only on the bright side but failing every time,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
16. 03. 2013
So I ended it, whatever I had with him- a relationship or whatever you call it, is history now. I didn't feel the way people are normally supposed to feel when they are in relationships. I felt the same- single as usual. That was my reason to end it, I felt like I was rooting for a hopeless cause and strangely, I feel glad. If it is meant to happen, it'll happen. I just have to wait until the right time comes.
Well, speaking of the right time, I think it has dawned for my brother because finally he is serious about his current relationship after he broke up with his first girlfriend which was his first serious relationship. I think the girl is good for him. She is pretty and all and is really nice too. I am happy for them and I hope it'll work out well for both of them because I think they are cute together (errr being cheesy :/). Well at least someone is happy in the chaos of love.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
06. 03. 2013
My cousin has hit rock bottom which in slang means that he is in DEEP shit. I too am in deep shit. I have no idea how to solve this or even how to react at the horrifying knowledge of it. We look up to our elders because we are culturally programmed to respect them and they are supposed to be the ones who know what is best, but what are you supposed to do if you gain the knowledge of a blunder made by elders which is disastrous enough to destroy two families.
I just need to get this out of my head. Last Friday, I received a phone call from my cousin who sounded utterly distressed, he said he wanted to meet me. So as per our agreement, I met him on the following day.
I felt my feet trembling as I was listening to him, I still can't believe it is true, Not a second passes by without me praying for all of this to be a huge misunderstanding. They say the truth is always bitter, it can torment you and I haven't really figured out what do with the truth, the truth that the Bastard is cheating on my God Mother with the Bitch, but me and my cousin both know that we have to face it.
How could the Bastard (Because I swore to myself that I am not going to pay him any respect the moment I heard the truth, not to him or to the Bitch) do it? How could he even think of cheating on my God Mother! My God Mother is one of the most kind and generous people on earth. Why do bad things always happen to good people?
How will a kid react to the fact that his father is cheating on his mother, I can understand the pain my cousin goes through, and I am proud of him for being an adult about this. He is only 19, he could have thrown a tantrum like all the other teenage boys or thrown his father out of the house. I was the first person he had told it to. I could see that he had cried and his words were heavy, I felt like crying but I knew I had to be strong.
We could only think of one person to tell this, that is our Uncle, who is very educated and tolerant and also sensible not to take any quick decisions. He said he'll take care of it, but the the two families will collapse, that is inevitable.
I still haven't told this to mom and I am not going to. How can I show her all those text messages, How will she react? This has been tormenting me and I worried about my cousin and my God Mother. Such a disaster....
Hoping for the best, Trying to stay strong,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
01. 03. 2013
I can't believe myself, but I actually made an attempt to re-bond with my dad. My relationship with my father has had its ups and downs (well mostly downs) given the fact that I can't stand his habit of excessive drinking. He is to come home in April and has already made plans not to return to Maldives since he thinks it's about time he retired. This is where I thought of being the better person in trying to communicate with him because I haven't done that in like- a long time. So I started chatting with him on facebook and it wasn't that bad. Dad and I chilled out and talked about mundane stuff and it was actually nice.
Yet there is that dark cloud over me which warns me that the past will repeat itself. I don't know, but I have decided to prepare myself for the worst.
I have a feeling that I am going to run out of ideas to make the birthdays of my best friends special since all of them are celebrating their 21st birthday! (that is just freaking awesome!!!!! and crazy :P). The first on the list is Pooh, whose birthday is on the 4th of March and this time I am gonna surprise her with a video (made and edited by---- *drum rolls* ME) and as for the other three idiots, eh I'll figure something out.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
23. 02. 2013
I am in a state of extreme ecstasy :D I made new friends today and I feel like I am beginning to evolve into a more social creature from the anti-social geek that I was until recent times. I enjoyed my solitude and I'd rather be left alone than being surrounded by a bunch of people unless they are my best friends, but for a change making new friends is not all that bad. Initially I wasn't planning on going to this 'Sundowners' Gathering' organized by my classmates in the IR class, but at the last moment I decided to go since I had ditched their first 'Ice Break Get Together' (just so they wouldn't think I am so full of myself). So, following an extremely interesting lecture in International Law (sarcastic much :P) I set off to the Dutch Hospital with my classmates.
And that's when the fun began :) I mean it was great, we talked about everything from movies to Sri Lankan society and its issues. It was entertaining since the group had diversity in professions, age groups and even in ethnicity. Diversity is what makes Sri Lankans interesting. If this has taught me anything it is be open minded. Had I been judgmental like I was the last time, I would have missed this opportunity to meet such an interesting group of friends.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
19. 02. 2013
I took the leap! finally, put aside my cowardice, gathered my courage and I took the leap. I don't know what will happen next, but I am just going to wait and watch. Last night I had a fairly long text message conversation with him where we tried to define our relationship (lame, I know). I was completely honest and told him that I felt happy and confused when he asked me how I felt. He said he felt the same. I am in love with him and I am not afraid to accept that now, but it isn't a relationship. Right now we are trying to figure out where this will lead us. He and I agreed on not jumping into definitions so technically it is like an open relationship. 'Best friends who one day hope to become lovers' is his way of putting it. I am not sure if this is a good idea, I wish if I could talk to Chan right now, she would know what to do.
And 'hurricane dad' is to arrive in April and this time he's not gonna go back. He says its about time he returned since he is 60 now and he is looking forward to spend time with his family and that is my cue to move out, at least I think it is. Moving out is not easy, first I have to be able to afford a place of my own. But I am considering that as an option, or may be get a job far far away from home and find an excuse to be seldom at home. I am not sure if my dad has changed. He tells me that when he come here, he will find a new job and he won't drink like he does when he comes down for holidays. I wonder if I can believe that. I want to believe him and part of me says it'll be alright but then again there is another part of me that keeps yelling at my blindness saying that this is just a bad idea.
I don't wanna go through it again. I don't think I can handle it if I had to. I still wonder what happen to that man whom I used to consider my hero, whom I used to imitate all the time because I wanted to be just like him. It is crazy how people change, I mean now, I don't want him in my life. I just want my life to be simple and joyous. Hope fate won't take that away from me
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
14. 02. 2013
This is the bloody height of madness! *Jehan's uncle tone* I seriously DO NOT get him, I thought he was playing 'hard to get' and now, he wants to meet up. I still blame my self for getting involved in all this drama. It is far from just a casual friendship but nor is it a relationship, I don't know why I suddenly felt so happy when I saw the poem he had tagged me today. I don't know why I feel nervous every time I talk to him, it is like I can't think of what to say. I try to sound clam and chilled out but inside my head it is like an orchestra playing Beethoven's fifth symphony in C minor. May be I love him or may be not. I am to figure out, soon.
And yesterday was just AWESOME! I had to go to Awissawella on a news coverage where a laborer at the hospital had allegedly tried to sell an infant, and man it was so exciting. Being out there in the field is the true spirit of journalism. That's what I thought was in store for me when I chose Journalism. I was enjoying every moment I spent digging up details and trying to get to the bottom of the story. I even found it amusing when my photographer and the driver who drove us bitched about each other since they were not in good terms (that was epic :P).
I met this awesome senior journalist who sacrificed his entire day to help us find information (He was the guy who broke out the story for the first time). While we were travelling he told me about his past experiences and how he used to engage in all these adventurous news assignments. That is what being a journalist is to me, Being out there and help reveal the villains of the society. Kudos to Mr. Somasiri for all his efforts and I hope I'll get to work with him again. Keep calm and try to save the world with a pen.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
11. 02. 2013
Holy shit! he made contact! I don't know what I am feeling right now, I am happy and nervous, it is like butterflies in my stomach. It has almost been two week I guess, two week since his awkward poem expressing his love to a 20 year old to which he tagged me on facebook. I still can't seem to figure out if I am in love with him or if this is just an attraction. I like his personality and the fact that he is matured and exposed than I am to the subtleties of the cruel society. Talking to him makes me feel that I too am learning about these subtleties, about the nature of things. It is crazy.
I wasn't sure if I was ready to take the leap. I am not sure if I believe in love, relationships or even the concept of 'the one'. He makes me want to believe but at the same time it is hard to go pass the scarred history, the things I have seen about how people suffer because of the consequences of such human connections. My mind is 'fucked up' (apologize for the use of the word, there is no other way to explain it :P). Getting caught up in this drama was the last thing I wanted. I can feel the annoyance of my mind, totally fed up of telling me to get back to my senses. A part of me wants to take the leap and my friends tell me that I'll never know until I do. But is it worth taking the risk?
Live, Laugh, Love.
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
And I am writing about my life again, only this time it is on cyber space. About three or four of years ago, I realized writing a diary is a lot of trouble (irrespective of the relief it gives you) since you have to hide it well so that no one else at home will find it and all that crap. This is a better way I guess because I know for sure that people I know would not bother reading my blog which gives me the perfect privacy I need (I don't care if random people read this cause I don't know them and they would not give me judgmental looks or try to give me free advice :P). If you want to hide something, hide it in plain sight.
20 years of my life has already passed and all those dramatic and stupid teenage years are behind me. They are both nice and horrific memories made. I sometimes think about the 16 year old me and laugh since now I find it hard to believe I was that naive and stupid (not that I am all grown up now), But I guess over the years, I have learnt to be more patient and to look at life's chaos with indifference.
Right now the picture is not all that bad, I have a job that I love (but the pay sucks though :P), I am gifted with the most amazing friends in the world and then there are minor hiccups like my relations with my father and my stagnated love life but other than that, it is going pretty well. Let this be the first episode of 'life as I know it' where I will be penning the script of my life.
Live, Laugh and Love.
Adios,
Until fate strikes again.....
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